Adventurer Conqueror King or Die!

Inhuming the Dead

Hi Pop,

Well, we went back down in the hole and killed more undead.

I never did understand how that works… more puzzles for the sages and priests, I guess.

Kathryn’s coming along pretty well. She was able to fight alongside me for a while, and was smart enough to fall back when she got hurt.

Not too bad, just a cut. My sword was able to patch it up pretty well.

Yeah, didn’t I tell you about the magic sword I’ve got? It’s about as good in a fight as the other one I had, but it can do a bit of healing sometimes too. Kathryn’s got my old swor…

Pop! I gave her the magic sword I found in the goblin hold. I’m not ‘poking her with my sword’. I can’t believe you said that.

Well, yeah, she is good-looking. I can’t believe you want me to talk abou…

Look, we went back into the h… dungeon. Killed some undead. Found some loot, including a mace that’s enchanted kind of like my spear so it’s better against undead. Nobody wants to use it, which makes no sense to me. I sometimes wonder if they really are smarter than I am, it seems like it would be an obvious thing to do.

Then again, Vesper and Curio did read a couple more of those tablets we’d found, and we had to get the priests to use magic to fix Curio’s brain after.

Maybe “don’t mess with things you don’t understand” really is a good plan.


Kathryn Goes Delving

Hi Pop,

It looks like I’ve got a follower of my own now!

A ragtag group of misfit… I mean a budding crop of bright-eyed adventurers approached us and asked if they could explore with us. They were from out of town, and it was evident that at least some of them were more at home on a farm than I was.

Really. I saw one who decided to stay in town leading a cow.

A girl named Kathryn decided she liked the look of me, or at least the big wall of steel I carry, and asked if she could work for me and learn more about adventuring. Seems the first time out their group was a lot bigger.

I hope she doesn’t get killed or something. Our little goblin buddy was slightly crippled the last time we went down into the dungeon under Blackmarsh. I think he’s planning to open a shop or something in town.

This time was better. We went down the hole, explored around, broke down a bricked-up doorway. Vesper rolled his cats eye down the hall and it disppeared, reappearing in a room with a dead guy. We went after it, the dead guy wasn’t, quite, but was when we left. He had some nice armor and a magic sword… I might like that, but I’ll see if anyone else wants it more.

We didn’t know where we were, so we stopped looking for treasure, mostly, and looked for a way out. We found this covered mirror that sucked Vesper into it and he had to fight a zombie version of himself. It was winning, so I jumped in and helped.

Then we found our way out, a stairway into another building in Blackmarsh. The others wanted to buy it, but we didn’t because the church wanted too much.


Blackmarsh at Last!

We finally made it here. Picked up some Viz along the way, which was nice.  Ahh, to be in a city again.  I don't know why my brethren love nature so much…there is so much more to do in the city, so many more people to assassinate. 

To be able to purchase and sell magic is nice.  Every bit helps.  Our first foray into the dungeon proved a good test of how we can fare against the bigger threats of the world.  I was quite pleased with how the humans performmed.  My tutelage through shining example is obviously paying off.  

Well, off to plunder some more tombs.  I need more gold for spells.  More later, after I return victorious, with my retinue of humans in tow.


Not Exactly Planned

Hi Pop,

We were raiding a mine captured by orcs last time I wrote. Things went well overall, for us.

The guys searched the room we just killed some orcs in, while Goraj and I waited out in the hall. Good thing we did, we saw a troop of orcs coming toward us in patrol. It would’ve been bad if we’d been surprised, but Goraj and I just tore into ‘em.

You said orcs were pretty tough, but apart from a few bigger ones these mostly weren’t so hard… maybe this sword is better than I thought. Within seconds we killed four and the other two surrendered. The other guys came out of the room they were searching, drawn by the noise, and found us standing over the two survivors. Vesper went to question them, and wanted to intimidate them a little first.

“We only need one of you who talks, so…”


Nobody remembered to take the crossbow away from the goblin. Nailed one of the orcs square in the face. “Reload please?”

I know you don’t trust goblins, Pop. I’m starting to like this one, and I think he realizes that even if he survives shooting one of us, nobody will reload his favorite toy. It’s not that I trust him, exactly, so much as I think he doesn’t want to ruin a good thing for himself.

“… okay, now we need this one a little more than we did.”

They trussed him up and dragged him into the room we were just in, then questioned him. Then gagged him and threw him into a handy mine cart in case we needed him later, and Curio decided to give him something to think about and poured some really harsh moonshine that we’d found on him. This is important later.

Remember that magic catseye gem we found? Vesper rolled it down the hallway and learned that the rooms off the hall had about a dozen orcs of various sizes, and the room on the end had some more that were watching two humans fighting for their entertainment.

The guys started talking about how to go room to room trying to be sneaky and stealthy and hoping we could isolate them, when I pointed out that the orcs were pretty easy to kill, and if we got themall out at once we could just get this over with. Curio and Vesper still had some spells left, so if it went worse than I expected they could use spells to help out without wasting so much magic.

I got ready to start shouting insults down the hallway to call the orcs out. I remember you saying their word for themselves means ‘hard skin’ or something, so I was going to start with something about soft-skinned cowards who didn’t have mothers because they each had two fathers who took turns being ‘mommy’… when someone mentioned that if we set the other orc on fire he could probably make even more noise, so they wheeled him out in the cart, told him what was coming and cut his gag off.

That’s when I realized — orc in a cart, orc going to be on fire…and the cart was on rails that went all down the hallway. I got Goraj to give me a hand, and after they set the orc on fire we pushed the cart and ran it down the hallway.

I think we got everyone’s attention. We fought our way back and in the end all the orcs were dead. And the two pit fighters, it seems one was standing on the tracks when the burning cart full of screaming flaming orc ran him over, the other died fighting for his freedom against the other orcs in the room.

Pretty effective for a plan we made up as we went. You always did say a good warrior is always ready to take advantage of his surroundings and use what’s available to be more effective.

After that we went down a ladder into the mine proper. Killed some orcs who were training, killed some overseers who were making miners work and helped the miners escaped, killed some more orcs working in a kitchen of some kind… though I don’t want to think about what they were cooking.

It turns out the orcs were all led by an ogre. We got to where the ogre was and he was surrounded by orcs. Vesper cast a spell on them and they all fell asleep, then we killed the ogre. He hit me a little, I hit him a lot, that sort of thing, until he was dead. The goblin went kind of nuts for a little while, I don’t speak goblin but he sounded really excited and angry while he killed the sleeping orcs.

Rescued some more miners, then looted the place to the stone. Hangrist wants the sword the ogre was using, I think I might be spending some time with him on sword work.

We went in to rescue some miners, but the other rewards were pretty good. A fair amount of coin, some gems, a magic greatsword, and some pieces of… some kind of magic rock stuff.

Anyway, we’re off to the castle. Say hi to the rest of the family for me.


Captain's Log, Elfdate 2012.0707

Well, we cleared out the mines and found some Viz. It was an ingenious plan that the group came up with, under my fine leadership of course, which ended up saving the day. A burning oil filled cart with a bound and ungagged screaming orc in it was sent down the hall, to cause chaos and confusion amongst the orcs, which led to a massive slaughter.

Next on the agenda is Blackmarsh. We enter nicely equipped, and ready for anything. First on my agenda is to reach out to my brotherhood, pay my respects, and try to determine if I can purchase or otherwise acquire a cloak and boots of my kind, as well as goggles which let me see in the dark as well as my lizard man companion. Without those things I fear I am hobbled in my ability to carry out my primary role. Perhaps if I can prove to my brotherhood that I am ready for such treasures, I will be able to acquire them.

I know that beneath the Castle Blackmarsh there are unexplored dungeons, deemed too dangerous to enter. They are also rumored to have magic or other items of power which the elves do not want to fall into the hands of humans or the other lesser races, which is why it is controlled by the elven race. Perhaps that would be a way to gain such recognition.

It troubles me how much the group doesn't realize that elven leadership is what saves the day most times, but they are lesser races, full of arrogance, so I guess I'll have to deal with it. I will attempt to teach them humility by example, but I despair that they will ever develop that virtue.

Orcs and Crossbows

Hi Pop,

Not much to say today and I’m in a bit of a hurry, we’re in a mine with some orcs.

We left the village and took a ferry… ten gold a head to cross the water, and the same for the horses! Ah well, we were still ahead on the game, so I’m not too worried about it.

After we crossed the water we found an old man being chased by orcs shooting crossbows at him. Curio and Vesper put them to sleep using magic, and Vesper killed four of them.

I know it’s ‘not sporting’, Pop. Neither is five orcs chasing one unarmed and unarmored old man and shooting crossbows at him.

They tied up the leader and questioned him. When they didn’t need him any more they decided to kill him.

Turns out the goblin picked up one of the loaded crossbows while we weren’t looking. He did a good job shooting the orc before the orc knew what was happening, then asked me to reload the crossbow for him.

I know, I know, “can’t trust a gobbo”. I’m not too worried about it, to be honest. If he shoots the wrong person, not only does he stand a chance of being killed on the spot, I won’t reload the crossbow for him.

And he ​likes​ that crossbow.

The old man told us about some mines where the orcs had come in and captured everyone, then put them to work. We decided to check it out and see if we can rescue them.

So, I’m in a mine right now and we just killed some orcs. I’ll have to continue this later.


Captain's Log, Elfdate 2012.06.23

Well, we left the human village of Patheticpodunkia behind. On the way out we helped ourselves to their gold and silver. Then we got raped financially at the toll bridge. Note to self: Go back and slaughter all the toll bridge people and take all their money next time I pass through the area.

We were on our way to Blackmarsh castle, where I hoped to hook up with my brethren, but were distracted along the way by some orcs chasing an old guy. We wiped out the troops, and in my enthusiasm for torture and grisly work, I ended up scaring the orc captain too much, and he refused to talk after a wee bit of torture. Pussy. No major loss, as Curio was able to charm him and we now have an orc bitch informant, giving us vital info about the mine we are about to enter.

Why enter another mine? VIZ!!! Every spellcaster's dream. I don't know what lord of person the mine belongs to, but I figure a fair price for its liberation is that Curio and I take all the Viz we can carry out of there.

We just beat the front door guards, and I am penning this as I await the other members getting themselves ready before we enter.

Note to self: Don't forget to ask about something to allow me to see in the dark once I get to Blackmarsh. I got this nifty cat's eye, but it only works in low light unfortunately, not the dark of night or of caves. I still need to have a light source when I scout ahead, which defeats the purpose of scouting. What kind of an assassin needs a torch or lantern?

Speaking of assassin, its hilarious that the other members of my group can't seem to call me that. I am a proud member of the Order of Nightblades, known throughout the lands as elven assassins. Yet the other members keep calling me thief, specialist, rogue, even mage sometimes. Their human morality and ethical sensibilities apparently cannot let them even accept the fact that they adventure through the lands with an elven assassin. I guess they think they're better than me. How ironic!

Suspicion and Exploration

Hi Pop,

Vesper figured that the stories we’d been told about the village problems might not be true. The dragon ate the girls I told you about, so how could they be the ghouls bothering the village? He also thinks the crypt we were exploring was there for a long time before the dragon came around. He talked with the village elder and told them the village curse probably has nothing to do with the dragon. If they get enough money he’ll try to find a priest to remove the curse.

I don’t really understand it. They had a problem with ghouls, we killed ghouls. The problem should be solved.

We went back to the crypt to explore some more. We went through the crypt and into the caves. We find and fought a big metal snake. The bites burned, turns out they were poisoned.

I am really starting to hate poison. We smashed the snake.

We explored some more and found rooms with different kinds of elements. A room full of lava that we didn’t explore because it was really hot and dangerous. We went another way and found a room full of water with a big bridge, where we were attacked by a bunch of mudmen. We were outnumbered, but knew that Goraj wouldn’t want to back down. They weren’t so tough as we thought they might be. Vesper went over the bridge and explored a bit, found a little cave with another of those stone spiders I told you about last time. No big deal.

We followed the cave out into another hall with a room where we found another coffin.

Of course we looked in it. Plugged our noses first this time, though, no way did I want to smell something like that last coffin.

Just some dead guy with some stuff. Took the stuff. Curio said it looked like he was trying to turn into some kind of undead wizard thing, so we threw the body into the lava before we left.

I think we’re off to Blackmarsh soon. Vesper really wants to go talk with the elves, and he might be able to find a priest there to help the villagers.


Captain's Log, Elfdate 2012.0616

I'm through taking on quests given by podunk know-nothing human villagers.  First we are told that the dragon ate the maidens and died.  Then that the ghouls were the girls who were eaten.  Upon further questioning we found out that was impossible.  The corpses were never recovered, nor was the dragon ever seen again, so we have no idea if they are dead.  The age of the corpses and the sarcophagi clued me in to all this. All we have are some apparitions appearing on the side of the road, and some ghouls.  Turns out I was right and all that shit we saw down below was for a wizard trying for lichdom.  Being a weakling human wizard, naturally he failed.  Still, I took notes on what his process was.  You never know what truths he might have accidentally stumbled upon.

Anyhow, we cleared out most of the place, except for an obvious fire elemental trap.  We even found the would-be lich's corpse with some magic on it.  So it wasn't a total waste.

Even better, I managed to convince the village that there was a curse laid upon it and that it would certainly cost them all their gold and silver to lift said curse.  They are gathering up their valuables as I type this.  I have a sneaking suspicion that not much gold or silver will be left by the time we're done with this place.  Some of my companions actually want to try and buy a scroll to remove the curse with the money.  Fools.  We'll see how that goes. 

I may have to sneak back into the town once we leave and kill the head guy and take the gold, if I can't con him into giving it all to us.  A nice clean assassination would feel good anyhow.  All this fighting up front when the enemy has a fair chance to hit you is anathema to me.

Anyhow, tomorrow we are likely to leave for Blackmarsh, assuming we don't have too much to do with this whole curse thing.  I'll be happy to get there and see my brethren again and take a hot bath.  You know what they say—-lay down with humans and expect to get fleas.  Add a lizard man to the mix, and gods only know what I may have picked up.  

Hallowed Ground

After having some very interesting questions raised by Vesper about the backstory of this maidens-eaten-by-dragon story, we took the town Mayor for a walk and discussed it. He appeared genuinely puzzled by the questions and we convinced him that the real problem is the curse laid upon the town by their old cleric, rather than the spirits of the slain women. We discussed hiring a cleric of a higher level to come here and remove the curse.

After that, we went back into the tomb. The ice elementals appeared to be either dead and gone or they were cowed by our presence, as they did not appear. We moved through the earthen area and encountered a snake made of steel. The guys hacked at it for a long time. Eventually, I got bored and dispatched it with a few quick magic missiles.

We then faced a choice between crossing a room full of lava and going into a muddy room. To no one’s surprise, we took the muddy path. Five mudmen rose from the floor and attacked us. I stood back and let the guys dispatch them. Vesper then crossed the room to inspect an alcove and was attacked by another stone spider. I cast a magic missile to support him from across the room and we killed it.

From there, we proceeded down a hallway and encountered another stone coffin. After much deliberation, we pulled the top aside and found a human male skeleton inside. Inside we found a trove a treasures. Huzzah!


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